There is a stone, deep down inside me, in the bottom of the ocean. It is stuck, heavy, covered in debris, closed and hard. I have been holding this stone for a long time. The weight of it builds. It is deep down inside, it took me a few years to realise what it was. I could feel it, but I did not hear its whispers. I ignored the stone and carried on. It is a metaphor, a real and visceral metaphor for all the grief that I carry, personally and for the state of the world, the trauma, the concerns, the struggles. For years the ways I lived my life just buried that stone deeper and deeper. I felt heavier and heavier, weighed down by the expectations, the guilt, the shame, the societal norms and narratives, the ‘progress’ and the wounds.

Whenever I am by the sea I listen to the stones, they choose me. I gaze and soak in their colours and textures and imagine the time and wear they have had to carve their individual shapes, messages and forms. Meanwhile my stone was stuck, in the depths, in the darkness, ignored.

I began to feel brave enough to look at my stone, glimpses at first, becoming more regular until I could sit with it in all its discomfort, without fear and with compassion. The stone was whispering to me in undulating tones - “free me, shift me, loosen me, listen to me….” This was the beginning of a quest to shift this cold hard stone, to liberate the stone, to connect with it with empathy, compassion and care. To free myself from the patriarchal business led systems, societal expectations and narratives. To move from the linear to the circular and infinite. The stone holds stories like the circles of a tree, a living library, my stories; fiction and non-fiction. It is part of me, part of nature and the time came, in mid-life, to truly connect with it because I had become so very disconnected and deaf to its cries for liberation. It was holding everything inside. I was holding everything inside. Stuck.

When I sat with the stone at the bottom of the ocean I sensed its layers and layers, of memories, of facts and fiction, of narrative and stories, its energy, it’s struggle for light. It’s should haves and have nots, it’s guilt and overwhelm all woven tight and in need of unravelling and setting free.

Maybe this stone only becomes available to see in midlife and as a woman? Or at a time of trauma and crisis its cries get louder. There are many stones, rocks and solid things in the bottom of the ocean. Do other people (humanity) reach this realisation and hear their individual stone as part of a collective calling, a communal wailing from deep, deep down?

How do we find better ways to live? How can we heal ourselves and the earth- world we inhabit? How can we listen to this deep and wondrous calling to find change? How can we birth something new, something different, new ways of being?

Sharon Blackie describes the patriarchal world of progress and production as the ‘Wasteland’ in her book ‘If Women Rose Rooted’. Exploring how to find sovereignty and full responsibility to make decisions and take actions in an ever complex world, Blackie looks at women’s relationship to the land through mythology, psychology and storytelling. The innate creativity in every woman, the feeling of embodiment and the re-learning of instinct. In order to do this, she says, we have to step away from the ‘Wasteland’ to reject conformity and our roles as patriarchal daughters. This involves listening to the calls from the stone weighing so heavily deep inside, at the bottom of the ocean or in the dark cave. It wasn’t long ago that women who rejected conformity were seen as mad and institutionalised. More recently, role models of empowered women fitted the patriarchal modelling of men. What is next? What are women’s roles in this important process of recalibration.

Blackie talks about the relationship of women and creativity. The ability to birth, nurture and grow new things. One of the things that I found really interesting was her discussion of the important role that women have to play in birthing and creating. She holds her standpoint not from a view of being anti male at all, she talks about the fact that we all as humans have maleness and femaleness within us to varying degrees. She talks about patriarchal society being unbalanced and based on values born from industrialisation, progress and capitalism, far away from our relationship to mother earth. Far from the traditions and values that nurture and work with the land, the insights, stories and ways that perhaps we need to return to to heal ourselves and the world we inhabit. In ancient Chinese philosophy there is Yin (negative, dark, feminine) and Yang (positive, bright, masculine) and their interaction is thought to maintain the harmony of the universe and to influence everything within it. It is about harmony and balance, the sun and the moon, the ebb and flow of the tides, the inhale and the exhale, the male and the female working together.

We have become so far removed from these balanced principles in line with nature, we are male energy (partiarchal) heavy in the western world, out of balance, out of touch. There are men who really struggle with this imbalance and societal expectations put upon men have seen such high suicide rates and pressures in the ‘wasteland’. We are all sufferring from our disconnected ways, systems that don’t serve us and unrealistic expectations put upon us. The earth is suffering too, humanity has lost its way. But on we continue, feeding the systems and ideals that are destroying us and destroying the planet…

Through my rejection of the ‘wasteland’ I can proudly say I am part of a movement of collective inquiry striving for better ways to live in a modern world. Building and growing new systems, businesses and regenerative ways of being. This movement is centred around nourishment, balance, sharing, community, hope, creativity, healing, care, storytelling, place, presence and nurturing both human and nonhuman relationships. In order to take these brave new steps involves risk, relearning intuition, connecting with like minded people, connecting to our bodies, breath and to the natural world, breathing and finding space to connect deeply and find solutions, joy, new (and old) knowledge, both personally and collectively. Shedding patterns of holding, of shame, grief and fear lead to finding joy, fire, values, stories, colour, vibrancy and ideas. This process of deep inquiry was the foundation of establishing the School of Creative Wellness and the services we provide pull on leading methods and practices for leading a better life.

This is a process. Of unravelling and remaking, rebirthing. This happens a lot to women in midlife. It is exciting and the more people who join this mission the more powerful it becomes. I like to call it ‘Soft Power, Soft Living or Soft Activism’. It is for men and for women but returns ultimately to the feminine qualities of birthing, nurturing, nature and balance. If you wish to deep dive into this process take a look at our weekend retreats. They offer time, space, tools and methods for transformative experiences.

If you, (like I was), are finding yourself stuck and unhappy try asking yourself some questions and answer honestly and without judgement or criticism:

What, if anything, is stopping you from feeling alive?

What needs to be set free in your life?

What can you lose?

What do you need?

What actions can you take slowly to reconnect with your true self?

How can you slowly and realistically start to heal, what initiatives can you take?

What brings you joy?

What are your instinctive values?

How can you connect to/ explore your local environment and community?

How can you connect with and nurture new ways of living?

For me this is an ongoing process involving a mixture of creativity (imagining, exploring, reading, visual and written play, learning), therapy - CBT, trauma, grief, regular yoga practice, meditation and restorative practices, creating space for myself, learning to breathe, shedding guilt and healing past traumas, immersion in nature, walking, forest bathing, foraging, wild swimming, being with multigenerational women, nurturing friendships, relationships, being present, redefining ‘business’ with a regenerative emphasis, noticing the ignored, gratitude, awakening my senses, spending time doing things that are good for my mental and physical health, losing ego, realising that I am not alone I am part of something bigger than myself, sharing, being vulnerable, losing expectations (real and imagined), being curious and putting myself in the best place to have the energy to be curious, to feel alive and connected. This is my personal journey and believe me I know how hard it is, just to keep your head above water, to be a mother, a daughter, an employee. But there are alternatives to everything. We just need to listen to our heaviness and take it seriously, before it takes hold and drags you down. Finding ways to shift and release and move in a different way, new journeys, new pathways, new methods are not impossible.

Here, below, are a few of my resources, things I have read, interesting people and businesses that I have found to help me out of the depths, to shift and loosen my stone, to shift and start a metamorphosis process of healing, for myself, for my environment and for the people around me.

This is a personal resource list, but maybe it will spark a conversation, an action or a feeling of curiosity in you to join the collective quest to find better ways to live the precious life you have.

World Earth Day is an opportunity for you to start or continue this journey (if you wish to) by taking time (long or short) in your locale (countryside or city) to really connect with it. How well do you know your local landscape? Start by just walking and noticing, changing your vision from head down and moving forwards in a linear way to engaging your vista vision. Soften your gaze, look up, scan the horizon. What and who inhabit the land you live near? Turn around do a 360 degree spin. Bend down and look at the world upside down from between your legs. Lay down and look at the sky, the tops of the trees. Take some deep breaths in and sigh them out letting out any tension on the exhale. Letting go of anything other than what you are feeling and seeing right now.

Feel the sensations on your skin of the wind. Feel your body making contact with the ground. What can you smell? What do you hear? Stop and really notice a detail, the colour, texture the intricacy of a natural object. Discover a natural object that you connect with, a flower, a stone, a leaf and it will connect with you. Take it home and place it somewhere as a symbol of connection. A reminder that this small act of connection can feed a whole new journey of connection to yourself and to the beautiful world around you.