My Glamour Hag

2 Mar

“Just when we think it’s all over, along comes menopause, to shake us to the core again. We’re never done with our transformations; they just keep on coming round. We shapeshift all the way up to the end, casting off certainties like a selkie casts off her sealskin.”

Sharon Blackie, Hagitude.

Sharon Blackie, writer, psychologist and mythologist published Hagitude in September 2022. I first came across her work when talking about my idea of myself now, entering the second phase of my life with my then coach and friend Heather Mullin. I had created a mood board with images that resonated with me and in there were some old pictures a photographer friend had taken. One of which triggered me into thinking who is that woman? Who am I now? Where has the glamour gone? I have changed, evolved and transformed, shed layers and gained, lost, grown and rebuilt myself, but I don’t have much feeling for who I am now. In my minds eye I had an out of focus montage of myself based on various incarnations, various snapshots through my formative years all mish mashed together and fuzzy. The essence of me is inside but what does she look like now?

So here is that faded snapshot from a time in the early noughties. A time of optimism, high spirits, excess, parties, where anything was possible. A time where my close friends and myself were establishing soon to be successful businesses and careers a period of fashion, music, art, inspiration and a constant whirl of glamour. I used to hang out and have become lifelong friends with Harriet and Rosie Founders of Tatty Devine. There was always an event, a party, a private view.

I looked at this photo and I felt so far removed from that time. I have since become a mother, a wife, a single mum, an employee I had not stopped transforming at such a pace that I had lost the essence of me. What stays within, what has been shed, what remains and what does it look like now? Not to others, but to myself? So began a quest to find myself now, and one particular mission to find my glamour hag.

“How do we catch a glimpse of the truth of who we are? How do we construct an image of the elder that we’re destined to become? – the elder woman who represents the kernel of our gift, our genius? How do we mature into our own unique brand of hagitude?”

Sharon Blackie, Hagitude.

I first of all got rid of all my underwear that did not fit anymore. A symbolic gesture of acceptance of my body now. I bought new underwear that felt so good. Why had I not done that sooner? My hagitudal nod to the burning bra feminists in the 60’s. I had spent so long shapeshifting to fit into other people’s ideas of how I should be, a perfect mum, a high achiever, a great employee, a wife, a good daughter. I started my own personal quiet revolution. I sent my friend Harriet a message saying that I did not recognise myself anymore, I had lost my essence and I was slowly rediscovering it again with kindness and care. I wanted to do something now as a 47 year old to celebrate and find my glamour hag. In December I took myself and my daughter to East London and I modelled with an 18 year old girl for Tatty Devine’s Spring Collection. My body was accepted, my glamour reactivated and I realised that I am the same but different, better even. The glamour is still there but with a softness, a kindness and a certain wisdom. So thank you Harriet and Rosie for being such amazing friends. I continue this journey of connection in so many ways now and the second phase of my life is radiant and full of new adventures. My hagitude is not about surviving, fading or conforming, it is about accepting, celebrating, learning, sharing, seeking and most importantly joy. If this resonates with you I encourage you to search and find your inner hagitude, it feels great.